Wacky & Tacky – Good weddings gone bad!

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I don’t know when it happened but a while back someone decided that weddings were a good time to make bad choices. Almost as if masses of people simultaneously had the same thought “Let’s turn our wedding into a sideshow!” and then it spread like wild fire.

I am not talking about some of the god-awful wedding or bridesmaids gowns or even the ridiculous theme weddings that some people think are clever and unique. Generally these folks know exactly what they are doing and are trying to make a statement or prove something. More power to them for decimating a somber moment. I am referring to weddings that appear to be  tasteful and then – BOOM! The tacky shows up and has no where to hide.  

After having watched one of the most tasteful weddings in my lifetime on BBC America, I thought it was a good time to cover the other end of the spectrum.

Eleven tackiest things you can do at your wedding:

#1-  Brides do not smoke in their wedding gown. Invest in nicorette.

#2- It is not acceptable to have the wedding cake look like anything other than a cake.

#3- Wedding gowns with logos on them are  advertisements and unless the owner of the logo is sponsoring your entire affair – leave the patches on your windbreaker . Either way it is completely tacky. The only thing on your gown should be lace or beading.

#4- Keep shoes on during the reception.  No one wants to see your feet. It is also a safety issue since there may be the chance of broken glass. If your feet hurt, buy a second pair of lower heeled matching shoes and wear them. Or better yet – buy a pair of shoes that are comfortable to begin with.

#5 – Buy a gown that fits. Exposing too much cleavage does not make you sexy or more attractive. Having rolls of back fat spilling over a strapless gown is not appealing. Wearing a dress so short that you  need to invite your gynecolgoist is not a good idea, either. This is not a money issue, brides will spend thousands of dollars on designer gowns and then even more money to have them altered only to look like a Vegas Showgirl.

#6- Garter removal. I get it – you guys are married  and in love and you want everyone to know that you get to ‘do it’ tonight. But, for the love of God -  someone please get rid of this awful wedding ritual. No one uses garters anymore and the whole pulling up the dress thing is downright creepy, especially when it goes just one tiny bit too far.

#7 – Toasting should be a time for raising glasses and spirits. The best toast can bring the guests to tears of joy in two sentences. The worst can last forever and mention things that are way to personal.

#8 – The first dance or any dance is a bad time to crank out a tacky tune.  Boyz II Men, “I’ll make love to you” comes to mind. Check and re-check your playlist and try to save the make out dance party music for another time.

#9 – No bare midriffs for bridesmaids, guests or (heaven help us) flower girls. You have your entire life to show everyone your smokin’ body and I think gramps could live a little longer without life support not having to worry if his 4 year old great-granddaughters nipple is showing.

#10-  Cash Bar. You heard me. A cash bar says “I really only care about  me and not you”.  If funds are low, have a smaller affair. If you can only afford a small amount, restrict it to bottom shelf liquor or wine and beer. Or wine only. Or just have the reception at Olive Garden with the immediate family.

#11 – Having any conversation with any guest about the cost of the wedding. This is prior to the event, during the event or after the event. Unless said guest is one of your nearest and dearest, they don’t need to know firsthand how much your nuptials set you back. Before the event it makes you appear to be asking for money, during or after it is bragging and both are unacceptable. Let everyone speculate about your lavish affair and smile, knowing it was well worth it.

Whether your wedding budget is $10,000 or $10,000,000 you can avoid most of these mistakes by using reputable professionals. At each and every Bridal Expo you can rest assured that our vendors have your best interests at heart.  Take their advice and use their ample experience to avoid being featured on a tacky wedding website!

-Penny Frulla for Bridal Expo Chicago